When a system is out of balance, every part of it is out of balance. Disequilibrium is disequilibrium. Dis-health is dis-health.
One place I always have power is in my own world. I take complete responsibility for every place I am out of balance, or have exerted control over another. It is far easier and more culturally validated to feel like a victim to external forces - but not for taking responsibility for the places in which I am a victim, or even a perpetrator, to internal forces. I make far more decisions every day that affect my life than anything anyone can do on the outside.
What voices, truths, do I exclude, reject, ignore, steamroll-over in my own heart every day? This reckoning is as important, if not more important, than that in the outside world. I have far more control here, and I make far more decisions and actions every day that could have more integrity. I have far more ability to exert and change my own life than I do the outside world.
Today: What is one place I am out of integrity in my own world? What is one place I have steamrolled over my own truth in pursuit of an agenda? Sometimes I fail to see the entire reality of the people in my life. My focus zeroes on to an agenda that is urgent ... but not important. Sometimes I miss the important in my own life.
I allow a clock, a device that sits on a wall, to exert extraordinary influence over every part of my life. I allow a clock - a mechanical device - to tell me how much attention and time to give my beloved children. This is madness. The clock makes me a blind victim.
I can go deeper still inside. Sometimes I view the beloved in my life with low respect. Even if it’s only in my head, I judge and narrow them to a few particular traits rather than seeing the whole person. These are my most beloved people, parts of my soul. I can do better.
Going deeper, I am possibly harshest on myself. There’s no need for this. This is out of integrity, out of wholeness. Wholeness means seeing myself in a less narrow, more broad comprehensive lens.
All that narrowing of focus, minimizing to one or two dimensions, judging of motives, seeing with fear, reducing, that I do in the external world begins within myself. I do it to myself first, then I do it to my loved ones, then I do it in the outside world. If I want to get to the root cause of my powerlessness, it begins inside.
When I feel powerless on the outside, it is a good time to find my power on the inside. In truth my power doesn’t exist on the outside anyway, it only exists inside me.
These are things I only remember in the woods, in the quiet, still, peace of my true nature. When I return to my life, it’s noisy. It has clocks. It has news, and social media, and commitments. This time of listening is part of the cycle. The return to balance. May we all have the places in our lives that provide this return.
Norma Van Horn