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I was feeling a gnawing little niggle. Something was bothering me, a little. Disturbing my peace.
It was related to a person in my life that I interact with on a somewhat regular basis. We are in each other's worlds, and are friendly, but are not necessarily "friends." We primarily cross paths over logistics related to our respective kids. And, to me, it feels lop-sided. Unpredictable. Never quite know what type of reception I'm going to get. And,...I care. There are plenty of people with whom this type of dynamic doesn't affect me, they come or go as needed and it is all fine. But with this person, I wanted it to be different, and that's why it bothered me. I cared what she thinks. In this case, we were texting about the kids, and she inquired about a family event we hosted that weekend. A nice inquiry into my life. I responded genuinely, sharing some precious moments. And, asked a follow-up question for her about logistics. And then... radio silence. Nothing. Because it was disturbing my peace, as much as I tried to make light of the grievance, I knew that it actually meant something more. And that I needed to follow the peace-power path to see it, and then to release it. To restore power. Here was the internal dialog (said as I walked through the woods):
And then it went deeper. Because, through doing this work, I know that when we want someone to behave differently, it is an act of force over another's sovereignty. We have an agenda for them - and we actually want to control the other. We have an agenda that overrides another's sovereignty.
This physical response is clearly out of scope for the offense. This one small act has launched a full-scale body experience that is clearly out of proportion. Again, this means that it actually reflect something much deeper.
Disliking, judging, rejecting, myself this much hurts. It hurts so much. How can I dislike myself? Underneath, it actually means I fear myself. I fear my very human nature, because if this is true, that I am actually quite inferior, then that is terrifying. And so this experience is a reminder, a symptom of the fact that there are places where I am vulnerable to believe in myself inferior. And that is mine to heal.
And, that's it. As I walked through the woods I could feel the floodlamp beaming out of my heart. The connection was restored, the barrier was gone. And I was free. Thank you, friend.
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As we walked in the woods together, I mentioned to my family that we were on the route that took us to "church." While not a literal church, this small spot where three tributaries meet is a sanctuary in which I find regular healing and peace.
My brilliant son replied, "We are not in a church in the woods, we are in the woods in the church." Imagine that. He went up a level completely; we were not in a small, specific, sacred spot within a massive field of otherwise un-sacred woods; we were in a massive field of the sacred, the Gaia-sacred, that happens to contain woods in this part. Because there is not a sacred, specific point within a massive world that is more precious than the rest. It is all equally sacred. When you want to heal a plant, you don’t address the plant directly, you heal the environment in which it lives; the amount and quality of water and sun and soil.
Human healing is the same. We must change the environment in order to change the health. The amount and quality of people, activities, food, and thoughts that we ingest and in which we immerse ourselves. Healing is about changing, releasing, that which does not align with health. Choosing a different "environment." To leave that with which we co-created the illness. Walk away, choose differently, release. That is also why we are all responsible for healing ourselves. Nature cannot choose a new environment, but we humans always can. Plants convert sunlight into energy through chlorophyll (green). Humans have the exact same chemical in our red blood cells, but it goes by a different name: hemoglobin (red). They are both “light receivers.” The exact same chemical, but with a different mineral in the center. Inside the human body, 2/3 of our energy electrons come from light, only 1/3 from food.
This has fantastic implications for our health: more nature, more sunlight, more truth.  Van Gogh did not paint haystacks because the world needed more pictures of haystacks. He painted haystacks because inside of him was a truth so great that he needed to, as faithfully as possible, express and recreate that powerful truth he felt inside himself, on the outside. In the world. That truth needed to be expressed on the outside.
It is so easy to judge the expression through the lens of what other people “think.” In truth, I have no idea what people think. That is actually code for, “what I fear.” It is tempting to express, or create, or write, or say, or do, for the outside validation. For the accolades. To garner approval. For any external reason. But that stifles the deepest truth inside that longs to be expressed. My real gift is simply to convey that truth inside that is so great that it simply must be expressed on the outside. Our culture values certainty. But creating is anything but certain. It is the opposite of certain - it is wildly uncertain. It will take on its own life, and be its own thing. It is not my place to judge the thing, the outcome, only to judge and hold steady to the truth that created it. The faithful, steady, fidelity of truth. The integrity on the inside. Creating this way feels vulnerable and unfamiliar. Just because something is unfamiliar does not make it wrong or unsafe. It simply means it is unfamiliar. It takes time to feel familiar. Don’t give up too soon. Give it time to breathe. To adjust to the spaciousness that accompanies releasing. Create, express, write, say, and do, for me. Because doing anything less is unworthy of my power. |
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