There is something I want to birth into life.  It is a deeply felt, creative expression that I have been engaging with; listening, refining, loving.  And, I have felt judging, fearing, confused with it.  

I realized this morning that I am taking this creation personally.  Fearing what it says about me, vulnerable to what it reveals about me.  Afraid of how it's truth will change my life.

In truth, this creation is not mine.  It is of me, yes, but not mine.  So perhaps a more appropriate perspective is to see it as if it were one of my children.  My beloved, unique, amazing children.  

Parenting is the one place where I bring forth my most intentional consciousness.  The responsibility of cultivating, or shepherding, these precious, perfect lives through the stages of development is the greatest honor of my life.  There was a time when I saw myself reflected through them, but something shifted and I now see it my sacred responsibility to bring out in them their greatest truth.  To see them with wonder and awe and honor, for who they are in the world.  To protect their unique beauty, to listen to their truth, to honor their paths.  To see their truth as holy, and to consciously protect and nurture that in the world.

And, this thing being birthed is actually the same thing - a creative life force emanating from me.  Being birthed through me.  It is no more appropriate that I judge and fear it as I do my children.  That is old thinking.  And so, today it is my intention to:

• See the creative energy coming together in my womb as a new life, the same as I view my children - as a separate, unique, entity.  Actually see it as a child of mine.
  
• Treat it with intention.  Engage with it consciously, respectfully, intentionally, reverently.  Awe.  
  
• Watch it closely.  Listen closely.  See and honor its uniqueness.  Do not judge it or try to control it; rather, listen and honor the truth of it with respect.
  
• Do not see myself reflected in it.  It is not a reflection of me, it is it's own living thing.  I am the channel, not the life.
• Protect it.
• Listen for its truth.  Honor that truth.  Love it for what it is.  
• Don't control it.  Don't judge it.  Love it for what it is.

Sometimes fear is an appropriate response - like when we're being chased by bad guys at gun point.  And sometimes it is an inherited pattern we learned from our people or the culture.  The good news with this is that, for me, it is far more the second than the first, and it is un-learnable also.

It doesn't matter what you do, it matters that you do it with respect, with reverence.  It matters why you do it, and how you do it.  What you do is almost irrelevant.

Here’s the thing, what I’m doing with my life confuses me. I meet people and when they ask me what I "do", I say "I am living."  It's an unorthodox answer, to be sure.  I spend my days feeling my soul in the woods. How is that even a thing? And yet, it is critically important.  I bring that wooded self home with me. To my family. To my loved ones. It brings forth in me my greatest humanity. A new perspective. The energy of the woods fills me. A holiness and depth infuses my cells. 

I do not bring forth one form of energy: money. (Yet!) I bring forth another: living. How could that be without a category? So overlooked, bringing forth living, humanity.

I live on the fringe of two cultures: nature and humans.  

My husband and I have an interdependence in our partnership. He brings forth that one form of energy that our cultures singularly defines and names and values: money.  I bring forth another, nature. He is particularly constituted for more interaction with the outside world than I am right now. I do best one on one, in small doses. With lots of space in between. 

One way is not more right than the other, it is simply more right for one of us.  It's about finding the right place for us.  I am blessed that this is an option for us, to be sure. 

​We rely on what the other one brings to the home to provide it for the other.

The me, or rather the energy that filled me, when I participated in the money energy, did not nourish him or my boys in the same way that this does. We are all better off for this division. And what I contribute matters. He sees it and values it. He is the first to remind me when I forget and fall into the old metrics. 

They are both energy, and we need both. 

When I am in the woods, I am in communion with the Divine.  How could this be anything but the point of my life?

I participate in a regular energy practice called Constellation Family Therapy.  We engage with the energy within a system - be it a family, a group, a community, whatever - to see where energy is stuck or dysfunctional.  Seeing where dysfunctional energy patterns exist enables the release and flow of the energy, and the result is healing.

When I began doing the practice, I was identified as a natural 'expresser' of the energy - it flowed easily through me, and I could interpret it clearly.  I received regular feedback that I was "good" at it.  For a long time I really enjoyed this distinction, and reveled this.

When processing the energy, a lot of times you don't know much of the context for it, so you don't know how "right" or "wrong" the interpretation of it was until much later, if ever.  Being "good" at this meant that I was dependent on each performance in order to retain my reputation.  This wound up feeling like pressure, for something that should only come from a place of service or fun.

For many reasons, I wound up taking a couple of months off.  When I returned, I wondered if I would still be a clear channel for the energy.  The first practice back was intense and confusing, and I found myself questioning how "good" I was at it.  

And so, I had a decision to make - to focus on how "right" I was, or to trust that the group would provide the information that was needed for healing.  As long as I remained true to expressing the energy within me, I couldn't judge how good it was.  

It strikes me that this is actually an excellent way to live - rather than to judge my individual performance at any time, then I can focus on being true - truthfully speaking my truth, following my energy, and trusting that it is enough.  That it will provide exactly what is needed in the moment.

This takes all of the pressure off of being a particular way, or being "good," and it releases me to simply be my authentic self in any moment.  And, it is entirely within my control.