Good versus True

I participate in a regular energy practice called Constellation Family Therapy.  We engage with the energy within a system - be it a family, a group, a community, whatever - to see where energy is stuck or dysfunctional.  Seeing where dysfunctional energy patterns exist enables the release and flow of the energy, and the result is healing.

When I began doing the practice, I was identified as a natural 'expresser' of the energy - it flowed easily through me, and I could interpret it clearly.  I received regular feedback that I was "good" at it.  For a long time I really enjoyed this distinction, and reveled this.

When processing the energy, a lot of times you don't know much of the context for it, so you don't know how "right" or "wrong" the interpretation of it was until much later, if ever.  Being "good" at this meant that I was dependent on each performance in order to retain my reputation.  This wound up feeling like pressure, for something that should only come from a place of service or fun.

For many reasons, I wound up taking a couple of months off.  When I returned, I wondered if I would still be a clear channel for the energy.  The first practice back was intense and confusing, and I found myself questioning how "good" I was at it.  

And so, I had a decision to make - to focus on how "right" I was, or to trust that the group would provide the information that was needed for healing.  As long as I remained true to expressing the energy within me, I couldn't judge how good it was.  

It strikes me that this is actually an excellent way to live - rather than to judge my individual performance at any time, then I can focus on being true - truthfully speaking my truth, following my energy, and trusting that it is enough.  That it will provide exactly what is needed in the moment.

This takes all of the pressure off of being a particular way, or being "good," and it releases me to simply be my authentic self in any moment.  And, it is entirely within my control.