Several years ago I came home from the grocery store while talking to my sister on the phone about my nephews health. He was having some health problems, and it was upsetting. In that moment I felt worried, powerless, and helpless about my precious nephew.
As I entered the house, I walked into a beautiful scene: Jeff and the boys were playing legos at the table, and they were peaceful and joyful and in a bubble of love. It was truly lovely. And, while I registered the scene, I couldn’t see it because I was in my own pain.
I raised my voice to complain that no one was there to meet me to help bring in the groceries, and no one had opened the door for me. (To be clear, no one ever did that, this wasn’t new, …but it was a Big Problem in this moment.)
As I was barfing on them, I simultaneously registered the impact of my energy and words had on my family. It was like a soufflé that just cratered and fell. Within moments, the boys started bickering with each other. The beautiful bubble of connection and joy and safety was over.
It was humbling and painful to see the impact of my actions, to see that I had the power to harm the most beautiful and precious of my relationships…that in that moment, because of my unprocessed and unfiltered energy that was being indiscriminately discharged at them, my boys were not safe with me.
“In the 1960s, meteorologist Edward Lorenz discovered that even the smallest changes in the atmospheric currents, those viewed as being insignificant by usual standards, created huge discrepancies in developing weather patterns. This phenomenon became known as the butterfly effect of modern chaos theory. Even the slightest addition to the atmospheric current could create drastic changes in the weather patterns globally. Something as small as a butterfly flapping its wings determined whether a storm would develop on the other side of the world a year later. Chaos theory taught us that every current that enters into the flow has an impact on the overall pattern.”
I see these two stories as being deeply interconnected. In the same way that the smallest of imaginable atmospheric events - a butterfly flapping its wings - can directly create events that take place a year later on the other side of the planet, my energy can do the same thing.
These are the exact same dynamics, because, of course, they are both comprised of energy.
This means that not only did my words and actions have an impact that morning, but unless those actions are taken responsibility for, are addressed, atoned, and responsibly healed, that that discharge of unprocessed and indiscriminately discharged energy will continue to live on and shape future events.
It’s humbling to know that I. am. that. powerful.
But, it’s true.
And that is why my wholeness, your wholeness, the wholeness of all, matters. Because the absence of my wholeness - disturbed peace and indiscriminate energetic discharge - will cycle and expand and grow, and ultimately wreak havoc in some altogether distant moment.
And, just as we create those future events through our unprocessed energy, we are simultaneously impacted by previous unprocessed energy that took place in the past, and in a different place.
These energies will continue to be recycled and regurgitated, growing ever larger, until we learn how to take responsibility for the quality of our energy. Until we take responsibility for our wholeness. Until we stop seeking to blame and judge others, and simply honor the energy, release it, restore our wholeness, and stop the cycle.
We are powerful creators, and our wholeness matters. The problem is, until we embody this wholeness and see our place in the greater whole and see how we perpetuate that which we do not heal, we will seek to change people, places, events, out there.
It is the act of growing up to take complete responsibility for the quality of our energy, and taking responsibility for our energy, and restoring our own wholeness before engaging on the outside, is an act of tremendous empowerment.
And once we experience it, we will never look at the world the same again.
My identical twin sister is not talking to me right now. This is one of deepest sources of rejection fathomable to me - we are genetically the same person, and from a scientific perspective at our point of origin we were the exact same person. (Of course, our genes have altered through our respective life experiences and other factors.)
In a sense this is one form of me rejecting me.
There was an exchange which preceded this, and 'incident,' but the exchange didn't happen in a vacuum, it happened within the ecosystem of our greater relationship and all of it's energetic patterns.
Within my family lineage rejection is a pattern. My maternal grandmother rejected and excluded my mother before my grandmother died, leaving my mother with the shambles of maternal rejection and no recourse. In my perspective, this precipitated a decades-long health issue that my mother (now 75) is still dealing with today.
At various times in our relationship I have rejected my sister, and many, many others, in my life as well. I understand both sides of the pattern.
Awareness of the absence of my sister's presence in my life occurs daily. And, pain cycles regularly as well, along with my longstanding coping techniques of blame, judgement, anger, etc toward her.
And, through this experience, I have started to practice something different.
Because as tempted as I am to judge her reaction to the exchange on that day, that would place the nexus of my pain outside my body - it would mean that I would need the outside to be different in order for me to be happy.
And, deeper still, this is an energetic pattern. It actually isn't personal, and it isn't about the 'reason.' It is energy subconsciously driving a reaction in order to protect oneself.
So, as the recipient of an intimate 'rejection,' I have the opportunity to grow through this experience and heal the energetic pattern at it's core. This is what that looks like for me:
The result after going through this process is peace. The situation hasn't changed - my sister still isn't talking to me and I still feel that absence every day - but I have found my power in the situation and I have restored my own inner peace.
And, this leaves me feeling compassionate and loving toward her. Which is quite beautiful - I don't need for her to behave in any particular way for me to love her. Her approval of me is independent of my love for her.
And, hopefully through this experience, I can begin to heal my own patterns of anger, judgement, rejection and blame toward myself and toward others. And, in doing so, not perpetuate and pass on this pattern so easily to my children. Perhaps this is how we heal generational, inherited, ancestral patterns of pain - healing them one by one in our own hearts.
In any event, this has been a profound experience of healing in my life. I find myself feeling grateful for the opportunity to heal this pattern within myself, because it makes me more free. And being more free is bliss.
If this is something that resonates for you and you would like to explore this topic in a guided way, please reach out for a guided Embodied Root Wholeness session, or schedule a free 15 minute exploratory chat to see if this is right for you.
Blessings for the road. We are all just walking each other home.
“What do you mean, ‘all alone?’ What about all of us?”
This morning I was walking through the woods, contemplating a relationship dynamic in my life right now. I became aware of feeling that I was all alone on this path, on this journey, and that I was about to be even more alone. So I called in everyone I could think of to talk to: all of my angels, guardian angels, Archangel Raphael, Jesus, Mary, everyone.
And this was the first message I received. In fact, they were referring to the energy of the nature that was all around me.
When I feel ‘all alone,’ I am disconnected from the life that is happening all around me. And there is life, and energy all around us, all the time.
Because everything is comprised of energy.
And then, this message: “Your safety is not Out There (meaning with the other humans, in the culture), your safety is inside.”
“Be like one of them - the trees, the animals, everything. Stand alone in your sovereignty, but belonging because you are there.”
“You belong because you belong.”
"You belong everywhere you go, because you are there. It is not a matter of belonging or not belonging. It is a matter of where your energy feels good and where your energy doesn’t feel good. Your safety is found on the inside.”
We are all comprised of energy, and we all are interacting and engaging with the energy all around us, all the time. That’s why you can never not belong, your energy is there and it’s engaging with the energy all around, and so of course you belong. You belong because you’re there.
It is never about whether other’s perceive you as belonging, at an energetic level you are already belonging.
Instead, it is a matter of discernment. Do you want to belong here?
When you are fully embodied and connected with your wholeness, is this a match? Does this feel good inside the body?
The first step, always, is there a store once wholeness and re-embody oneself.
My take away from this beautiful experience is that we humans understand belonging and safety all wrong. Completely upside down. We think safety is achieved “out there,” through external approval. Because that’s what “belonging” really means to humans - external approval. And so we think that it’s possible to not belong somewhere. But at an energetic level we always belong, because our energy is engaging with the energy all around.
We think we want to belong because then we’ll be safe, but true safety is never found outside the body. True safety is embodying our wholeness, and discerning if an energy feels good to us or not.
Because the surest path to losing connection with our wholeness is to override the energetic truth in our body that we should stay when an energy doesn’t feel good.
So, rather than seeking safety out there, by belonging, let’s see this for what it is energetically - seeking approval by disembodying and disconnecting from our innate wholeness.
True belonging and safety are 180’ opposite - we are always safe when we embodying our wholeness, and discern if the energy around us feels good to us inside our bodies. If it is a match. If it is, we may enjoy it like a tree enjoys the forest - by being sovereign and contained within itself, equal with all other beings around us.
And if it is not a match, embody oneself and trust oneself to handle walking away from an energy that does not feel good.
Blessings for the road, dear traveller.
~And, many, many thanks to the messengers in the woods today. I trust you know how much I needed this message.
Norma Van Horn