Everything means something

I was feeling a gnawing little niggle.  Something was bothering me, a little.  Disturbing my peace.

It was related to a person in my life that I interact with on a somewhat regular basis.  We are in each other's worlds, and are friendly, but are not necessarily "friends."   We primarily cross paths over logistics related to our respective kids.  And, to me, it feels lop-sided.  Unpredictable.  Never quite know what type of reception I'm going to get.  And,...I care.  There are plenty of people with whom this type of dynamic doesn't affect me, they come or go as needed and it is all fine.  But with this person, I wanted it to be different, and that's why it bothered me.  I cared what she thinks. 

In this case, we were texting about the kids, and she inquired about a family event we hosted that weekend.  A nice inquiry into my life.  I responded genuinely, sharing some precious moments.  And, asked a follow-up question for her about logistics.  And then... radio silence.  Nothing.  

Because it was disturbing my peace, as much as I tried to make light of the grievance, I knew that it actually meant something more.  And that I needed to follow the peace-power path to see it, and then to release it. To restore power.

Here was the internal dialog (said as I walked through the woods):

• "[Name], I want you to be different. I want you to like me, I want you to return my texts, I want you to be emotionally available to me.  I feel unimportant to you. Overlooked. Unequal. This hurts me. I want to feel as important to you as you are to me. You and your behavior have the ability to hurt me."

And then it went deeper.  Because, through doing this work, I know that when we want someone to behave differently, it is an act of force over another's sovereignty. We have an agenda for them - and we actually want to control the other.  We have an agenda that overrides another's sovereignty.

• "When this feeling is active, your opinion about me matters more than my own about myself. This makes my heart feel anxious, aggressive, I see that I want to dominate and force you to acknowledge me. It makes my whole body feel agitated."

This physical response is clearly out of scope for the offense. This one small act has launched a full-scale body experience that is clearly out of proportion. Again, this means that it actually reflect something much deeper.

• "I feel dismissed. Shrugged away. Rejected and ignored. Beneath you. I feel humiliated, like I read the signals all wrong. Embarrassed."
  

Disliking, judging, rejecting, myself this much hurts. It hurts so much. How can I dislike myself?

Underneath, it actually means I fear myself. I fear my very human nature, because if this is true, that I am actually quite inferior, then that is terrifying.

And so this experience is a reminder, a symptom of the fact that there are places where I am vulnerable to believe in myself inferior.  And that is mine to heal.

• "I have carried this fear, this pain, this coping technique for so long. When it is active it creates a barrier between me and my awareness of my true power. It is a coping technique, that keeps me small. I repeated what I saw around me, because I did not know any better. I repeated and it kept me safe when the feelings got too big for me to understand or handle on my own. The feelings got too big, so I used this coping technique to protect myself. Because it was all I had. For that I give it honor." 
  
• "I survived and handled everything I needed to survive and handle with this coping technique. But in truth it keeps me small. And for that I give it honor. But in truth it keeps me small. When this is active, I am unable to access my true power. My true nature."
  
• "Because I believe I ever could be inferior, I am in force, disconnected from my true nature, my innate human power.  There is a barrier over my heart.  I can actually feel it."
• "This coping technique, this force, this barrier, is not mine to carry. When I carry this, I am unable to carry that which is fully and uniquely mine to carry." 
  
• "I release it all now. From the deepest corners from my toes all the way up and out, I release it all now back to the highest original source with love. From the deepest root connection inside me, from the deepest corners of my toes, all the way up and out, I release this painful belief, this barrier, this coping technique, this energetic pattern, from my being at it’s root connection. I release it all now, and return it to the highest original source with honor and love for all. I release, release, release, release, release, release, it all now, with honor and gratitude for all."
  
• "I take complete responsibility for releasing this barrier over my heart and restoring my connection to my true nature."

And, that's it.  As I walked through the woods I could feel the floodlamp beaming out of my heart.  The connection was restored, the barrier was gone.  And I was free.

​Thank you, friend.