I was feeling a gnawing little niggle. Something was bothering me, a little. Disturbing my peace.
It was related to a person in my life that I interact with on a somewhat regular basis. We are in each other's worlds, and are friendly, but are not necessarily "friends." We primarily cross paths over logistics related to our respective kids. And, to me, it feels lop-sided. Unpredictable. Never quite know what type of reception I'm going to get. And,...I care. There are plenty of people with whom this type of dynamic doesn't affect me, they come or go as needed and it is all fine. But with this person, I wanted it to be different, and that's why it bothered me. I cared what she thinks.
In this case, we were texting about the kids, and she inquired about a family event we hosted that weekend. A nice inquiry into my life. I responded genuinely, sharing some precious moments. And, asked a follow-up question for her about logistics. And then... radio silence. Nothing.
Because it was disturbing my peace, as much as I tried to make light of the grievance, I knew that it actually meant something more. And that I needed to follow the peace-power path to see it, and then to release it. To restore power.
Here was the internal dialog (said as I walked through the woods):
And then it went deeper. Because, through doing this work, I know that when we want someone to behave differently, it is an act of force over another's sovereignty. We have an agenda for them - and we actually want to control the other. We have an agenda that overrides another's sovereignty.
This physical response is clearly out of scope for the offense. This one small act has launched a full-scale body experience that is clearly out of proportion. Again, this means that it actually reflect something much deeper.
Disliking, judging, rejecting, myself this much hurts. It hurts so much. How can I dislike myself?
Underneath, it actually means I fear myself. I fear my very human nature, because if this is true, that I am actually quite inferior, then that is terrifying.
And so this experience is a reminder, a symptom of the fact that there are places where I am vulnerable to believe in myself inferior. And that is mine to heal.
And, that's it. As I walked through the woods I could feel the floodlamp beaming out of my heart. The connection was restored, the barrier was gone. And I was free.
Thank you, friend.
Norma Van Horn