A recent client was talking about his coping technique of withholding truth, not speaking truth, not listening to themselves, and doing everything for others.
He is clear that this is a coping technique employed in order to be loved.
But, he took exception to the idea that this was manipulative, dishonest, behavior.
This is a painful concept. He argued that it was a coping technique, meant to protect him. I told him that needing to protect himself means that he sees himself as unsafe, which means he sees himself as a victim.
And, underneath the victim perception, he was willing to lie and manipulate others in order to control them. To get what he wants - which is to be loved.
That's what we do when we withhold truth - we are trying to control another - directly or indirectly. We want them to think well of us, so we lie to them. We want ourselves to think well of ourselves, so we lie to others and ourselves. It all maintains an illusion.
He has to let go of being a victim, and see his own participation in the dynamic. And, to take responsibility for manipulation and dishonesty. He can't give up the perception, the identity, of being a victim until he sees that he's actually not.
It was difficult to look at this, because he wanted to see himself as "good."
And seeing ourselves as "good" means we are invested in the framework, in the judgement. Judgement is still force.
True freedom is giving up the entire framework of judgement of ourselves and others, and just accepting ourselves completely as we are. Releasing, releasing, releasing.
And when we do so, there is truth on the other side. Freedom. Peace. Power. Equality. Just being.
And, when we feel in touch with our own sense of peace, true power, freedom and truth, we make radically different choices on the outside.
Seeing ourselves as "good" or "bad" is part of the problem. Part of the framework that needs to be dismantled in order to be free.
Sidenote: throwing off the yoke of being "good" is so damn liberating.
Norma Van Horn