I do not know your path, and I do not know what is right for you. I do not know the whole story. When I judge, I hold myself superior. I am not. What is mine to clean up and heal from our conversation is to take a complete responsibility for what is mine in this. This is very hard to do. This is very painful to do. It is far more easy to be smug about my judgement of your life.
Feeling certainty about anything, especially something that is not mine to be responsible for, enables me to feel more in control. It is always easy easier to feel in control about another’s circumstances than ones own. My opportunity is to heal the desire for control within me. Every time I judge another, or feel superior to another, it is an act of control. The desire to control another is the opportunity to be healed. Thank you for being my teacher in this lesson.
Feeling superior to another is related to control. And assumption of control, and active control, something. Control is the opposite of humility. And the opposite of humility. Control has no place in a relationship of equals, and we are all equals.
This is painful to look at. The fear of humility. This culture runs on deference. Power structures that assign a value to human life based on arbitrary characteristics that are unequally distributed among the population. There are a select few characteristics that hold all the value, regardless of the human beings attached. Human beings are full and complete and complex. The attributes are narrow and defined and rigid. To give up control, to recognize the role that control please in my life, and to exchange it for its counterpart, humility, means to give up the ways of the culture. To turn my back on the values of the culture. By virtue of what I look like, where I was born, and some inherited characteristics, I possess a combination of attributes that accords me power in this world. This power structure runs on control. Control and the illusion of superiority. To heal the places within me that are connected with control means to disempower myself within the culture. To set aside that which affords me power. In exchange for humility. There is zero power in humility. Or, I should say, there is zero external power in humility.
Humility is the more true state, it is deepest within me, underneath the barriers and layers. It is closest to my deepest, divine truth. Love. Peace. It is counter culture.
And, on the other side of fear, is healing. To lay down my power shield and assume humility is deeply healing.
This is a private act, this reckoning. Nobody will ever know if I do it or if I don’t. Except me. Except me.
Here is the prayer:
Ancients. This desire for control, I feel it between my ribs. It is active right now. This desire for control covers over my deepest truth. My truest self and state. It is not mine. I have inherited it. Acquired it. With deepest honor for the fate and path of the original highest source, I give this shield, this barrier, back to the highest original source. It is not mine to carry. I seek restoration, a path back to my truest state. In honor of the original source, in honor of the highest original source of this barrier, I give it all back. With honor. With gratitude. Thank you for the life that you have passed down to me. I will never know your fate. The fates involved of all those that give me life. I will never know. In honor of every one of those fates, and gratitude for this life, I give back the shield, the barrier, that I acquired. I give it all back to the highest original source. This part of me that values control over humility, I give it back to the highest original source with honor and with gratitude for a life and a fate that I will never know.
I bow my head in gratitude for this life. The privilege of this life, which was only possible because of that life. Thank you.
I see this shield, and I give it back to the highest original source. It is not mine to carry. I knowingly and intentionally and reverently give it back to the highest. I choose to align myself with my deepest, holiest self. I choose to return and restore that which is not mine. In doing so, I make space to better carry that which is uniquely mine to carry. And to better hear and to know my path. That I may live it with the highest honor and reverence for all that it entails.
Norma Van Horn