For a long time I have taken the behavior of others personally. Very personally. While I have always known that this pattern has hurt me, it only became clear recently how much it has hurt. Decades of absorbing and replaying these offenses and wounds added up, and I became very ill.
It has only been through the healing process that I have come to see the role that the state of my emotions has played in my overall health.
Today, my life revolves around experiencing a state I call "peace-power." This state is my highest truth. It is a state of internal dignity, respect, truth, peace, and wholeness. It is contained and complete unto itself. It feels like holy truth.
And, this is life. I fall out of balance regularly. Any time my peace-power is disturbed, I am in a state of force. And, it is mine to heal. It is never about asking anyone on the outside to change. That is the ironic thing about force: if I depend on forcing someone else to change so I can feel good, I am at the mercy of their behavior - and that is the opposite of being free and powerful. I am *more* tied to their behavior and their choices, not less.
Here's an example: If I want to be admired by another, I am in an internal state of force. I am believing that a state of hierarchy exists between us. The same is true when I am feeling deference for another, hiding a part of my truth, judging another, or steamrolling over another. Or even a feeling of being irritated, of being disturbed. These are all on the spectrum of force.
Force is the engine of our culture, it is how most of us view the world most of the time. Force is predicated on the belief that there exists a hierarchy, a perception that a hierarchy exists. The belief in hierarchy creates innate imbalance, a "place" of superiority or inferiority, which enables the ability to steamroll over someone, or the need to exhibit deference. It all stems from the perception of hierarchy.
And, for me it's deeply unhealthy. It feels bad to my autonomous, sovereign, holy self to be in force as a regular state. It is useful some of the time (for example, charging up a hill in the woods), but as a belief system it goes against my true nature, which is equal and always has been. And, when I am in peace-power I do not need to change anyone on the outside. All are free to be exactly as they are, and I respond accordingly. The behavior of others simply does not have the power to rattle me; it is not personal. I can speak my truth, and listen to that of another, all without drama.
Restoring peace-power is a practice. I have developed a tool to apply once I notice I am out of peace-power. It is simply and effective, and has radically healed me emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically.
If this speaks to you, please speak to me!
Norma Van Horn