The problem isn't that a painful event happened, the problem is that I believed an interpretation, a meaning, a story, about that event that went against my nature. If it goes against my nature, it isn't true.
For example, if I made a power play at work to get more opportunity and experience (which I did), the problem isn't that it was denied (which it was). The problem is the meaning that I ascribed to the event: that I couldn't trust my power and strength, that my needs and desires were wrong, that my very nature was somehow wrong.
A more true interpretation of the event could be that I was unsatisfied in my role, that I needed some new experiences, and that I wasn't going to get them in my vision of how it should be done.
In the process, I was offered the opportunity to explore what my core needs were, and alternate ways of how to get my needs met - just not the particular incarnation that I had requested. I was too scared, too shut down, to express the depth of my needs and truth. To go there. To share the truth in my heart.
It was going to be done through force, my force, my vision, or not at all.
This created a wall that denied the humanity of all involved. It set in motion years of pain, of mistrust, of tread and re-tread force.
I see that now, and I take complete responsibility for my fear.
I pray to have learned this lesson, and to now choose the courage to speak my truth over the fear employed when using force. Fear is a false sense of courage. It attaches itself to a particular outcome, which removes the inclusion of another's perspective, of an even greater outcome, of magic.
I think my belief in "game faces" and in "being professional," over being human with human needs and emotions, certainly enabled my fear and disabled my humanity. I see that, too.
Norma Van Horn