Today's walk started out tough. I was feeling insecure leaving the boys home alone, Xoli kept wanting to return home, and the woods felt dark and eerie. This happens sometimes.
The dark and eerie feeling persisted through much of the first loop, so I practiced something I've been working on: giving the ancient underlying energetic pattern back. And then...magic.
Through my regular energy practices I have come to believe that energy underlies everything. It's too big of a topic for this blog, but suffice it to say that energy underlies everything. It drives us to do things, behave certain ways, interact with some people and not others, etc.
And, my true nature is one of peace, of Divine peace. I have learned or acquired these other energetic patterns through living; learned, absorbed, inherited, etc, the patterns. I don't know how, I only know that sometimes these ancient energetic patterns become activated, and preclude my knowing and feeling my true nature, my peace. My true nature and deepest truth is always underneath, though.
Because I learned and acquired the ancient energetic patterns, and they cover over my true peace, I can unlearn them, I can give them back. And so, when I feel anything disturbing my peace, I have the opportunity to give the ancient energetic pattern back to the highest original source, with respect and honor.
And so, this has been the practice: releasing the ancient energetic pattern, and returning it to the highest original source, with respect, with love, with honor for all. [A note about inner child work: I suspect this is very similar to inner child work, however I believe for me, right now, I prefer to work with the feelings moving through my body rather than the meaning or reason for the feelings. Honor to everything that works for everyone else.]
This requires being present to the feelings moving through me, allowing and honoring them, all through the process.
Lately these are the words that have felt the most true, "I release this ancient energetic pattern back to the highest original source, with honor. This ancient energetic pattern is not mine to carry. This glacial darkness has served me well, but I now choose differently. I choose to release it now, so that I may more fully carry that which is mine to carry."
Over and over, through the woods, I repeat the refrain, like a mantra, " I release this ancient energetic pattern back to the highest original source, with honor. This ancient energetic pattern is not mine to carry."
As I tune into the process, I tune into the feeling of the release. This ancient energetic pattern feels almost glacial, like a foundational structure within my very being. Releasing it can almost feel like giving birth. It is so foundational within my very being. Energetic, yet cellular. I know that I no longer need to carry this, that I am birthing something new. Like a chrysalis. Like the dragonfly I have always felt myself to be, leaving water for the first time and entering air. The process releases something that was, is, too heavy to carry. It was weighing me down, keeping me in place.
And it feels like it is old, part of the old energetic paradigm of the earth. That I'm literally releasing "patriarchal" energy systems. (I use quotations here because I dislike this word, I find it unnecessarily divisive, but the idea conveys. Old, painful, legacy energy of abuse of power. A system that is out of balance in any dimension is out of balance in all dimensions. There cannot be health in one dimension alongside an imbalance.) And that underneath is new life, the cleanest, purest river of sparkling water flowing effortlessly beneath that old, solidified structure.
There is so very much of it. I release big chunks at a time, and so much still remains. As I release that which is no longer mine to carry I am more able to carry that which is mine to carry - more of my own true nature. I absorb the changes, little by little - yet big by big. It is unleashing something unknown, revealing something, birthing something wild and unknown.
And then, the magic. When that fraction, that portion, that trace, has lifted, the woods sing to me differently. Belong within me differently.
Afterwards, the sense of completeness, belonging, is full. I have, I am, everything I need.
On the other side of the release, is an extraordinary new world. A world in which I fully belong, Interconnected.
It is hard to deprive oneself, to give something up. It leaves a whole. Vacancy. It is better, instead, to create a vision on the horizon that is so inspiring that one is pulled effortlessly, passionately toward it. Not giving something up, but getting something so much greater. That is what this time, after the release, in the woods is for me. Touching and experiencing something so complete, so whole, so natural, so belonging. It makes everything on the outside incomplete, unnecessary, off.
That is what the woods are: Boundary-less, everything simply exists, interwoven and interconnected into one complete, living entity. And I am a part of that complete, living entity.
So, stay with it through the process. It is uncomfortable, this chrysalis. And, what is on the other side is an imaginal realm of perfect belonging. You belong. It is ours for the taking. A feeling of belonging within the cells.
Norma Van Horn