What we get wrong about apologies...
Apologies in some of my relationships have been so very loaded.
It seems that they require a pound of flesh, either from me or by me.
Can you relate?
This whole dynamic is diseased. Trading flesh, mine or that of another, is a control mechanism that is based on an inherent belief in hierarchy, in a superior/inferior complex, in a belief that we are not already and always whole...which is simply untrue.
And, when we seek to trade flesh (this is unfortunate wording, but I've picked this metaphor and am seeing it through) we are perpetuating the belief that anyone can harm us, or that we can harm anyone.
Here's what I mean by this: We are all, always, whole, complete, and sovereign beings. When we are AWARE of our wholeness, when we are centered and grounded and embodied, we never behave in ways that truly harm another. We are truthful, yes, while being peaceful and complete. And everything we do and say carries the energetic signature of our wholeness.
When we are connected with our awareness of our innate wholeness, we auto-magically see others in their whole, complete and sovereign selves as well, so we do not take their behavior personally - it is simply a reflection of their truth in that moment.
(Our truth is always relative because we are energetic beings, but that is another story.)
It is only when we are out of our center, when we are ungrounded and disembodied, that we have lost AWARENESS of our connection with our innate wholeness. (We are always connected, but lose awareness of this connection). This is when we behave in ways that are not peaceful, that are not respectful of another's wholeness and sovereignty. That are controlling or judgmental or rejecting or shaming or blaming.
We are projecting our internal disconnection onto the outer world.
When we are out of our center, our pain takes over and we think others have the power to harm us. We take their behavior personally, and if they have the power to harm us then we must control them so they don't. This is required for our safety.
But, the deeper truth is that our triggers are our responsibility, and seeking an outside entity to change so that we can feel better is a victim affiliation.
It's like asking the traffic around us to drive differently because our brakes are faulty. It's the wrong solution because we don't understand the root problem is our inner disconnection.
The deeper problem is that we do not have regular awareness of our inner state, we do not know when we are out of our center, and we do not have tools to recenter, reground, and re-embody to restore our awareness of our innate wholeness.
When we see how our disconnection, disembodiment, and ungrounded energy affects our perception of the world around us, and we have regular experiences of recentering and regrounding ourselves, we are eminently powerful beings. We no longer take the behavior of others personally, and we no longer perpetuate harm onto others.
The Embodied Root Wholeness process is one path to remember how to assess our inner energy, how to consciously engage with our inner energy field, and how to restore our inner connection with our wholeness. You can change your own life.
If this resonates, let's chat!
Blue skies and warmest wishes,
PS: This is now my go-to framework for taking responsibility for my behavior when I am out of my center: "You have been a part of my life for a long time, and you are precious to me. That is my deepest truth. When I did 'xyz,' I was out of my center and ungrounded. A little disembodied. I was so caught up in my own pain that I couldn't even see straight. It was never about you."
Norma Van Horn